Because of My Alice
by PopstarJ01
Summary: How does Jasper control himself day after day, especially during the harder times? One-shot, written in Jasper's POV. Winner of the fanfiction contest on twilight-desire-dot-com.


Hey everyone! This is my first Twilight story so please be nice! It won the fanfiction contest on twilight-desire-dot-com so I'm guessing its pretty good. I hope you enjoy it!

A/N: I'm not Stephenie Meyer (though I wish I was) so I'm just borrowing Alice and Jasper for a while :-)

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**~*Because of My Alice*~**

Some people find reading boring; reminds them to much of work or school. Not me--I've always found reading to be very peaceful. I suppose its because I've always had a love of learning. Even now, when other family members want to take time off of school for a few years as a vacation of sorts, I just keep on going. But damn if it isn't hard. Not the material, but the temptation of so many warm humans packed into such little rooms. It's enough to drive even Carlisle insane. Thank God for internet classes, though.

But today I'm not reading for class. I'm not even reading to find peace, really. I'm reading to remember. To remember where I came from, the monster I really am deep down inside. As I turn the page of one of my many books on the Battle of Monterrey, I'm brought back to the battlefield. Yes, I was a Major in the Civil War when I was still human; but after I had turned, when I was in Maria's army, we took part in the Battle of Monterrey. Many of the men that died during that battle didn't die from combat but from vampires. We turned forty three men those days, though many of those newborns were killed shortly after because Maria didn't deem good enough for her army.

That was Maria's sick, twisted game; she destroyed everything in her path, and I was right there beside her, doing whatever she wanted me to without question. I have killed more humans and more vampires than I can even count, but I can still remember what every single one them felt right before they died; and I will never let myself forget it.

I stayed with her for far too long, but I didn't know any other way. It was only after my friend, Peter, and his lover, Charlotte, came for me after escaping did I know there could be freedom for me, too. That I didn't have to live in that hell anymore. So I ran, and for years I searched for purpose. To this day I have trouble being around humans for too long because I still have that urge to rip out their throats and drink that sweet nectar of life coursing through their veins. I have slipped over the years a handful of times, but for the most part I have been able to keep myself in check. And I have been able to do so for one reason.

"Jazzy!"

I look up from my book to see my little wife pirouette into my study, dozens of shopping bags hanging from her arms. I groan as my brow furrows.

"Do I even wanna know how much my credit card bill will be this month?" I ask warily.

She laughs, the sound like tinkling bells, and suddenly my book is out of my hands and she is sitting in my lap with her arms around my neck.

"Oh, Jazzy, don't worry so much--you look so old when you make that face," she says with a pout.

I laugh and wrap my arms around her, kissing her forehead gently; if there is one thing my Alice knows how to do, its make me smile.

"Alright, darling. So, what did you get this time?" I ask.

She immediately starts listing off items of clothes I don't even recognize, and before I know it I'm completely lost. But I can feel the happiness coming off her in waves so I let her continue. I love making my Alice happy more than anything else in the world. After a few minutes of explaining her new wardrobe to me she stops in the middle of a sentence.

"You know what?" she says. "I'll just show you all the stuff!"

She jumps off my lap, runs to lock the door, and starts pulling off her clothes. I gulp. Alice's body is a marvelous sight to behold and there hasn't been an instance that I've seen it and been able to resist touching her. I close my eyes tightly and take several suddenly necessary breaths. Luckily my Alice changes quickly and soon she's calling to me to look at her first ensemble. To me it looks like many other outfits she owns--black skirt, pink shirt, black strappy sandals--but I'm sure to her there are huge differences. I smile and whistle appreciatively.

"Why, Alice, you look simply beautiful," I say.

She smiles meekly and I can sense slight apprehension come my way, "Really? You like it?"

"Absolutely, darling. Now don't keep me waiting, let me see what else you got."

This makes her smile widen and I close my eyes once more as she begins to change again. This back and forth continues for a solid ten minutes before Alice looks up at me sadly, holding an empty bag and wearing a yellow sundress.

"This is the last one," she says. "I could've sworn I got that purple sweater."

"Well you look wonderful in everything you got, purple sweater or no purple sweater," I say as I push some happiness her way.

She smiles as she drops the bag and climbs back into my lap.

"Thanks, Jasper," she says, then gently kisses me.

The kiss doesn't last long before she pulls away, "So, what were you reading?"

"You don't know?" I ask, truly surprised that my wife doesn't know what I had been doing while she was out.

"I try to give everyone some private time now and then, though it sucks and I don't really like to," she admits with a small smile. "Anyway, you gonna answer or what?"

I sigh softly and reach for the book sitting next me on the side table. I hand it to her and she gasps when she reads the title.

"Jasper! I thought you said you weren't going to do this anymore!" she admonishes quietly.

I can feel several emotions coming off of her; hurt, fear, worry and guilt. The last one has me stumped--why does she feel guilty about this? She didn't do anything wrong.

"Darling, I was just reading it. That's all, really. It's not gonna be like last time," I try to explain.

"That's what you said last time, then you tried to find Maria," Alice said quietly.

Her eyes are still on the book, and as she speaks her hurt increases so much I'm starting to experience physical pain. I hate when she gets like this, it just kills me. I'm the only one to ever see her act this way. She's told me before that she feels so comfortable around me that, although she's usually always hyper and cheerful anyway, she feels she isn't obligated to be. So, around me, if she's really and truly upset over something, she gets real quiet and withdrawn. It's so unlike my Alice, and I can't stand it.

"Alice, look at me. Please, look at me," I plead until she finally locks eyes with me. "I will never look for that psycho again. She is everything I hate in this world. Everything I could ever want is right here in my arms."

Alice's smile returns, and I can feel relief start to fill her, "Really?"

"Really and truly. Look ahead, you'll see."

Her eyes lose focus for a minute and her face goes slack, then suddenly she's hugging me so tightly that if I did need to breathe to survive I'd probably choke.

"You do mean it! You won't go looking for her! Oh, Jasper!" she exclaims as she kisses my face all over.

"I told you, Alice--there's nothing to worry about," I say, holding her closer.

She leans back with an angry look on her face, her emotions mimicking her expression.

Uh oh.

"What's wrong, darling?" I ask slowly.

"There is still plenty to worry about, Jasper Whitlock."

Oh I'm in big trouble.

"Like what, dear?"

"Like why you were reading that book if it wasn't to go looking for Maria."

"No reason, honestly. I was just reading it…for fun."

"You never read THIS book for fun," she says as she gestures with the book.

"Alice, can't we just leave the matter--"

"No we can't, Jasper! I know you well enough to know how you feel when you read these books. But you need to talk about it. You need to talk to me about it."

I sigh and run a hand through my hair, "Alice, its just so hard to talk about."

"Then push the feelings to me," she suggests.

I stand quickly, Alice tumbling out of my lap but landing gracefully on her feet. How could she ask me to do such a thing?

"Alice, I could never do that," I say, my back towards her.

"Jasper, please. I want to understand," she says.

She puts her hand on my arm as she speaks, trying to comfort me but it doesn't have the desired effect--it just angers me.

I whip around to face her as I shout, "No one should know what this feels like! No one else should suffer like this! Its like living in hell, Alice, and I don't want you to know what that's like!"

"But I don't want to watch you suffer alone! Damn it, Jasper, please!" she yells back.

"Alright! Alright," I finally concede. "Just…please sit down, alright? Its gonna be really intense."

With a determined look on her face she marches over to sit in one of the wing backed chairs in the room, crossing her legs Indian-style. I sit in the free chair beside her, not looking forward to what she wants me to do.

"Are you absolutely sure you want to do this, Alice?" I ask her.

"Yes, Jasper," she says confidently, and her emotions back up her words.

I can't believe I've agreed to this. God, forgive me. I close my eyes and push just a fraction of the feelings I still experience from killing all those people and vampires--their feelings and mine--towards my beloved Alice. I know the moment they hit her because she screams, actually screams out loud. I immediately pull the feelings back and push feelings of serenity towards her and pray they calm her down. She must think I'm a monster. After a few moments, I feel her climb into my lap and snuggle against my chest. I can't believe she's not running away from me.

"God, Jasper," she says, shock obvious in her voice. "I had no idea it was so…extreme. The fact that you deal with it every day is just mind-boggling. I'm so proud of you."

I look up at her, unable to believe what I'm hearing. She's proud of that?

"How can you be proud of what I've done?" I ask. "Of what I am? I'm a monster, Alice."

"No, Jasper, you're not a monster. You're just a man. You did what you did because you knew no other way. Now you know there are options. You're not a monster, Jasper because you've chosen not to be."

And I knew she was right. Would I question myself again in the future? I'm sure I would. But my Alice would always be there to remind me who I am. She'd always pull me back from the ledge, as it were. She'd always be there to make me smile again. And so that's why I put up with the sky-high credit card bills, the impromptu fashion shows, and why I'm able to keep myself from killing every human in sight whenever I go out; its because of my Alice.

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Hope you liked it! Reviews are always welcome!


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